The Abandonment Cycle to Understand Relationship Problems
A relationship is one of the most basic human needs, but the abandonment cycle makes most people feel helpless Healthy relationships are where we can meet our basic emotional needs such as attachment, loving-being loved, trusting, respect, sharing responsibilities, and having fun. When we become adults, we meet these needs, expected to be satisfied in the relationship between the parents and the child, with our romantic partner. In this sense, romantic relationships have a therapeutic effect on the person’s essence and increase the quality of life. But relationships can sometimes, unfortunately, have a destructive pattern.
Have you ever found yourself in a similar cycle in your relationships? Doing the same thing again, knowing that it is a problematic behavior? For example, you closed yourself completely in romantic relationships, begged ‘don’t go because you were afraid of being abandoned, and decided to break up quickly. Then, found yourself in his arms while you were sure that your decision to leave was final, you couldn’t talk about the things you were unhappy about, you sacrificed too much so that the relationship wouldn’t end, or you knew you had to break up. Yet you can’t leave?
Some describe them as indicators of the greatness of love. Scientific studies, on the other hand, suggest that these destructive behaviors stem from the ‘abandonment cycle.’
What is the Abandonment Cycle?
We can say that it is the state of extreme fear that a person will be abandoned by people with whom he will be close. Of course, everyone may think this from time to time, but most relationships of a person with abandonment cycle along this line of thought. This schema, like other schemas, occurs with negative experiences in childhood and adolescence. For example, the loss, occasional disappearance, or inconsistent behavior of a caregiver or loved one may cause this schema to develop. People who experienced fear of abandonment in childhood may share similar feelings in their romantic relationships in adulthood.
You Can Run, But You Can’t Hide
People use three strategies to deal with the threat: flee, fight, and freeze. We use similar methods to deal with the threat of abandonment: avoidance, overcompensation, and surrender. Avoidance is the actions we take unconsciously to avoid the anxiety that the schema will produce. For example, preventing romantic relationships is an avoidance behavior. Overcompensation involves rejecting the negative emotion that the schema will produce. For example, clinging to his partner when he is away from them and making extreme sacrifices is overcompensatory. Finally, surrender is the state of unconsciously applying the command of the schema. Choosing untrustworthy and abandoning partners is an example of surrender behavior in the abandonment cycle.
The main problem with these three strategies is that they confirm the prophecy of the schema and maintain the schema.
What do you think? Let’s find the meaning error in the expression “I did everything for her. She still left me”?
When the primary motivation for a relationship is set in your mind not to end it, you spend all your energy on it. You cannot express your feelings as they are so that the other person does not go away. You cease to be natural. You ignore your own needs and make sacrifices for them. The balance mechanisms of the relationship begin to deteriorate. When the slope always turns to the other side, this load becomes heavy for him. When both people cannot feel natural in the relationship, the satisfaction of the relationship decreases, and it comes to an end. Ultimately, the prophecy of “you will be abandoned” is confirmed. The overcompensating behaviors exhibited here to strengthen the schema, not the relationship. “Look, I told you you were going to be dumped. Next time, you should be more careful,” says the schema. When this experience gets the first signal of abandonment in the next relationship, it causes more panic, and the same dysfunctional cycle continues.
Getting Out of the Abandonment Cycle
Contrary to the belief brought about by the cycle of abandonment, it is necessary to look at it. Maybe the relationship will end one day, maybe live happily ever after. No one knows the answer. But what is the use of being in a constant state of anxiety, thinking about that sad end before it happens, and living it? One should ask what is the need for this torture when there is a chance to enjoy the days lived.
In addition, the two most basic dynamics of the relationship are communication and sharing of responsibilities. In other words, two people should be able to talk freely about many things, positive and negative, and they should strive for that relationship at a similar rate. How safe is it not to be able to end a hurtful relationship?
A healthy relationship is not a relationship that lasts forever. It is a relationship that includes a sense of trust in a healthy relationship, where couples can communicate, help each other, enjoy spending time together, and care about each other’s needs. The focus here is not when it will end but on how it is lived. It is possible to get rid of the cycle of abandonment and be free and have happy relationships. This possibility begins with taking a step towards self-discovery and transformation.
So What Are the Reasons Behind Your Fear of Abandonment?
Fear of abandonment is a psychological fear that mostly appears in romantic relationships and undermines the connection, negatively affects its course, causes an unhealthy relationship, and can drag even a good process into negativity. An individual thinks he will be abandoned by his partner even though there are no reasons to prove the fear they experience. Always in the corner of his mind during the day, such as “I will be abandoned one day,” “I will be alone,” “He will die, and I will be alone,” and “He will find someone else and leave me.” There are sentences. The root of the fear of abandonment, which undermines even the healthy relationship of the individual, leads to unhappiness and overwhelms both the individual and the person with whom he is in a relationship, may be rooted in childhood life.
If you had a childhood that can be defined as a broken family, that is, the divorce process of the parents, or if you lost a parent at an early age, these situations might have worked as a fear of abandonment in your current life. For example, if your parents work shifts or have been away from home due to business trips, this may have created fear. On the other hand, if you spent time away from your family in a dormitory or another city due to education, this distance may have affected you negatively. In addition, reasons such as illness or hospitalization of a family member, frequent change of home and city, and moving can also cause fear of abandonment.
The person who has a fear of losing thinks that the relationships are not healthy and unconnectable. Moreover, she suffers from love even while living in her relationship. He believes that his partner is going to leave him at any moment. She thinks that she is abandoned even at the slightest separation. When the person calls his partner and cannot reach him, thoughts such as “He is seeing someone else right now,” “He is keeping me in the background,” “He has left me,” and “He is alienated from me.” However, there may be other reasons why the person cannot answer the phone. In such cases, the person who fears abandonment thinks only about the causes related to himself.
The person believes that he will be abandoned so much that he unconsciously does his best to make this thought come true. Even at the slightest separation, leaving by starting a fight is more effortless. The person behaves selfishly and without empathy and accuses others of being selfish. If the other party has a healthy point of view, they may decide to end the relationship with words such as “We won’t be able to do it with you,” “I can’t stand this anymore,” or “It won’t happen with you.” With this other party’s decision, the person thinks he is right and loses his faith in the relationship even more.
This time, the person goes into consolation mode and tries to suppress his real feelings and turn them into a sense of pleasure. He sees other people, texts his ex, does excessive shopping, binge eats, has casual romantic relationships, and starts using drugs. He thinks that he can’t stand the pain if he doesn’t do these things. However, one thing you should not forget: the violence of no emotion will last forever.
